Blood, Tears, and the Heart of the Magician
by LegolasLover2003
Summary: Waking in Nihon Country, Fai struggles to come to terms with Ashura-Ou's death, the sacrifices which have been made for him, & those that he must make. Alone, frightened, & in pain... Fai tries to pull himself together before his smile shatters forever.
1. Prologue

**Title:** _ "Chi to Namida to Mahoutsukai no Kokoro"  
_

**Author: **LegolasLover2003 aka Ashley

**Category: **Anime - _"Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE"_

**Genre: **Angst/General

**Rating:** M

**Disclaimer: ** I do not own any rights to_ "Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE". _I don't own nor am I affiliated with anything relating to the story or characters of _"Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE"_, all rights to that go to the wonder that is CLAMP. I just like to play in their world… and I just love Fai. A lot. And Daisuke Namikawa… PASTA!!!

**Author's Note: **This story contains SPOILERS for _"Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE"_. If you have NOT seen _"Tokyo Revelations"_ OR read the manga up through at least chapter 166, then this story WILL be a SPOILER!

**Note #2:** THIS IS JUST THE PROLOGUE! There is more to come... promise!

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**PROLOGUE**

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What was he doing?

More importantly, why was he doing it?

Everything hurt… everything ached and screamed in agony. The grip on his throat tightened, squeezing with such raw power and force that he simply couldn't take it.

Blood bubbled up, frothing over pale lips and forcing the young man to try and gasp in much needed air.

But the blood… so much blood… it burned in his throat, scratching him raw and filling his lungs.

One soft blue eye unfocused… was he fainting or… were those tears?

He couldn't help it, the salty liquid that streamed down the side of his face as he looked up into the angelic visage of Ashura-Ou.

Fai struggled to speak, struggled just to breathe as he felt his life slipping away in the man's grasp.

'_I'm not strong enough… onegai… onegai… don't make me do this… Ashura-Ou… ONEGAI!'_

"I told you… didn't I?" Ashura whispered, his free hand gently cupping the side of the magician's pale face. "That my magic power grows stronger the more I kill people…"

Weak arms moved, grasping onto the Celes Country Ou's wrist weakly and trying to pull from the man's clutches.

'_You killed him! Doushite?!'_ Fai's thoughts screamed, adding some strength to his exhausted limbs.

But not enough.

Fai's body heaved, blood spurting upward to cover his face.

He couldn't get any air… couldn't breathe… think… there was nothing he could do.

Gentle fingers fell over the eye-patch on Fai's left eye. Those fingers probed the now empty socket, feeling around the old wound and causing the magician to try and twist his head away.

Ashura-Ou smiled softly, "Besides, it seems like you've lost one of your eyes, which serve as the source of your magic power."

Weakly, Fai tried to write the words to a spell in the air before him, but Ashura-Ou was faster, grasping the magician's fingers in his free hand. "You tried to die along with me, right? You've always wished for the end…"

Fai's body arched, blood filling his mouth and spilling past lips opened in a silent scream. With every last ounce of strength, the magician looked to the motionless figure who lay not far past him.

'_Kurogane…' _

His blue eye closed, body jerking in a spasm, choking on his own blood as he screamed with everything he had.

"KUROGANE!"

* * *

One blue eye opened, the pupil tiny, almost unseeing in the darkness of the bedroom. Fai was shivering, his body aching and thirsting for rest.

Alone… cold… frightened…

The magician sat up, lithe fingers tangling in waves of light blond hair, pulling and trying to bring some sort of feeling…

Some sign that he was causing the pain…

That he was awake…

"Fai?"

Blinking in surprise and horror, the young man's blue gaze fell on the small creature that stood at the foot of his futon. Long ears turned down, the tiny shiromanjuu was obviously worried.

"Fai… daijoubu ka?"

Taking in a deep breath, Fai closed his eye and nodded. "Hai. Daijoubu… daijoubu…"

Mokona wasn't about to be placated however, and hopped up into the magician's lap. "Fai…" the creature started, seemingly afraid. "You were screaming, Fai…"

For a moment, the man said nothing.

He wanted to tell Mokona that he was alright, that it had been nothing more than a nightmare.

But it wasn't a nightmare… it had happened… it was real and now…

Now he had to live with the consequences…

Without realizing it at first, he suddenly crumbled. His perfectly preserved mask falling to shatter.

"Gomen nasai…" Fai whispered, pulling Mokona into his arms and simply hugging the small being to his chest.

He didn't know when he started to cry, but he felt Mokona's tiny arms hugging him, whispering soft words that he was alright.

Everything was okay…

They were in Nihon Country…

Kurogane wasn't dying…

Fai didn't need to be sad anymore…

Fai didn't need to cry…

Everything was okay…

Mokona promised it was okay…

Really…

"Fai… Nakunai onegai… Nakunai…"

But Mokona's soft words of comfort and assurance only opened the door wider, and Fai lost himself in his tears until he was too exhausted to even stay awake anymore.

When Mokona pulled the comforter of the futon up to Fai's chin and snuggled down onto the pillow next to him, only then did the magician find peaceful sleep.

* * *

**血と涙と魔法使いの心**

**Chi to Namida to Mahoutsukai no Kokoro  
(Blood, Tears, and the Heart of the Magician)**

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**A "Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE" Fanfiction**

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**TRANSLATIONS:**

Ashura-Ou = King Ashura  
Ou = King  
Onegai = Please  
Doushite? = Why?  
Shiromanjuu = White Steambun (a nickname that Kurogan gave to the white Mokona)  
Daijoubu ka? = Are you alright?  
Daijoubu = I am alright.  
Gomen nasai = I am sorry  
Nihon Country = Japan Country  
Nakunai onegai = Please don't cry  
Nakunai = Don't cry  
Chi to Namida to Mahoutsukai no Kokoro = Blood, Tears, and the Heart of the Magician

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**NOTES:**

- This IS THE PROLOGUE. I know, I need to stop making chapter stories… This story probably isn't going to be very big, but this is just the prologue. Stick with me, man.

- The story takes place after Chapter 166 of the manga and happens during the Nihon Country arc. The part above happens between Chapter 166 and Chapter 167 of the manga (aka Fai is awake and they're in Nihon Country, but Kurogane is still unconscious).

- Ashura-Ou's dialogue comes from Page 15-17 of Chapter 164 of the manga. Translation from Ashura-sama; Scanlation from Mangashare dot com; Raw provided by LadyDarkMoon.

- I'm not 100% sure on how grammatically correct the title is. I tried a translation program and what it gave me was something about "oyobi naka kokoro" and I really didn't want to be talking about the "inside heart" or "inside of the heart" so I didn't use it. I know that the particle "to" is used for a specific list ("ya" is for a list that can have an etc.) and that Subject_no_Object is how you say Something_of_something… so "Mahoutsukai no Kokoro" would read as "Heart of the Magician" instead of as "Magician of the Heart". However, I'm not sure that putting "Blood and Tears" before "And the Heart of the Magician" is accurate. I'm not saying that the "Blood" and the "Tears" are from the "Magician" however, which also added to my confusion. Anyway, if someone can provide me with a "it's right" or a "it's wrong, it should be this way" then I would be really thankful.

- Reviews are loved! Go for it!

- For information regarding my thoughts on the Fai x Kurogane pairing, please check my story "Sensitive to the Scent".


	2. Wishes and Breakfast

**Title:** _ "Blood and Tears and the Heart of the Magician"_

**True Title:**血と涙と魔法使いの心 - Chi to Namida to Mahoutsukai no Kokoro - Blood and Tears and the Heart of the Magician**  
Chapter Title: **章一冊: 願いと朝ご飯 - Shou issatsu: Negai to Asa-gohan - Chapter One: Wishes and Breakfast

**Author: **LegolasLover2003 aka Ashley

**Category: **Anime - _"Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE"_

**Genre: **Angst/General

**Rating:** M

**Disclaimer: ** I do not own any rights to_ "Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE". _I don't own nor am I affiliated with anything relating to the story or characters of _"Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE"_, all rights to that go to the wonder that is CLAMP. I just like to play in their world… and I just love Fai. A lot. And Daisuke Namikawa… PASTA!!!

**Author's Note: **This story contains SPOILERS for _"Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE"_. If you have NOT seen _"Tokyo Revelations"_ OR read the manga up through at least chapter 166, then this story WILL be a SPOILER!

**Note #2:** I'm trying something different in the translation department. See my NOTES at the end of the story and let me know if you like the way the Prologue did with translations better, or if this First Chapter's dealing with them is better. I left the translations at the bottom too, just in case someone wanted to see the entire phrase and the translation exactly side-by-side.

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**血と涙と魔法使いの心**

**Chi to Namida to Mahoutsukai no Kokoro  
{[( Blood and Tears and the Heart of the Magician )]}**

**

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**

**A **

**ツバサ ****RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE**

**Fanfiction**

**{[( A Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE Fanfiction )]}  
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**章一冊 **

**願いと朝ご飯**

**Shou issatsu: Negai to Asa-gohan  
{[( Chapter I: Wishes and Breakfast )]}**

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**

The soft pelting of water droplets woke Fai late the next morning.

Mokona was gone, and everything seemed as if it had been nothing more than a dream.

Or a nightmare…

Pushing himself up, the magician looked wearily to the shuttered windows. He stood, bare feet making hardly a sound upon the wooden floor.

Outside, Nihon Country was getting a relaxing soaking rain, and the fresh scent of wet pine flowed over Fai and automatically caused him to close his eye, taking in the fragrance for a long time.

"I would have you smile, Fai-san."

Surprised, the blond turned to the soft voice from his doorway. Standing there, the sliding door open just enough for her small form, was Tomoyo.

Fai smiled softly, though the emotion never reached his blue eye. "I am in your debt, Tomoyo-hime." He spoke, forcing as much cheer into his voice as he could. "Kurogane would be dead if not for your aid."

The young girl shook her head, about to speak until a tiny white blur leapt onto her shoulder and beamed.

"Fai!" Mokona cried happily, launching off of the girl's shoulder and landing in the magician's open arms. "Fai, you're smiling!" it replied, hugging him. "Feeling better?"

His smile remained, "Of course, Mokona. Arigatou, ne… You helped me a lot." {[( Thanks... )]}

The tiny creature's ears perked up, "Honto ni?" it asked, curious as to how it had actually helped him in the first place. {[( Really? )]}

"Honto ni." {[( Really. )]}

A soft 'puu' sound came from Mokona, but it remained clinging to the front of Fai's light blue yukata.

"It seems Mokona is happy to see you up and about." Tomoyo said with a smile, stepping out of the way of the door and allowing for a servant to bring in a tray of breakfast.

Fai inwardly winced.

It wasn't that he didn't appreciate the food. In truth, he was starving.

It was… the chopsticks.

"Ohashi ka?" Fai whispered, the look in his eye one of avoidance. {[( Chopsticks? )]}

Tomoyo laughed softly as Mokona leapt from the man's arms and picked up the chopsticks.

"Fai wa hashi ga tsukaenai!" Mokona stated loudly, dancing around with a chopstick in each hand. It accented each dance step with a 'Puu' and a thrust of a chopstick into the air. {[( Fai can't use chopsticks! )]}

The princess smiled, "Sumimasen." {[( I am sorry. )]}

"Iie." Fai replied, shaking his head. "I can kind of use them… it's hard, but… well… practice makes perfect I suppose." The young man smiled again, obviously not wanting to be a burden to his hostess. {[( No. )]}

Tomoyo nodded, the servant leaving a few moments later. "Kurogane is not awake yet." She spoke softly, large eyes fixed on the magician. "When he wakes…"

"Let me know." Fai whispered, his expression hidden by blond bangs. "Arigatou gozaimasu." {[( Thank you. )]}

Nodding once more, the princess left, closing the door behind her.

Mokona turned, hoping over to Fai and handing him the chopsticks. "Kono hashi wa Fai no mono desu." It said, smiling sadly. {[( These are Fai's chopsticks. )]}

In turn, the magician took the long eating utensils, smiling sadly at the being before him. "Arigatou Mokona." {[( Thanks Mokona. )]}

For a moment, the two simply watched each other, but then the shiromanjuu spoke again. "Kanashii?" Mokona whispered, hoping up onto Fai's shoulder and gently touching his right cheek. {[( Sad? )]}

Shaking his head, Fai smiled again. "Iie. Hara peko." {[( No. I'm starving. )]}

Smiling widely, Mokona hopped down and sat next to the tray of food. "Mokona mo peko peko!" {[( Mokona is starving too! )]}

Fai knelt down carefully, using his back muscles to take most of his lithe weight, before trying to put the chopsticks in his hand properly.

Laughing, Mokona grabbed a chopstick from him and used it to spear a piece of braised daikon. It popped the radish into its mouth and chewed for a moment.

"Mokona, I can't very well eat without the other chopstick." Fai reminded the tiny creature.

The shiromanjuu shook its head, its ears swinging side to side. "Just use one. It's easier." Mokona smiled.

Sighing, Fai mimicked the small creature's spearing movements, eating some of the chicken from another place.

Noodles were going to be an entirely new problem.

"Mokona…" Fai eventually spoke softly after they had eaten for a few minutes. "I need to speak with Yuuko."

* * *

She was always smirking when Fai saw her, always knowing when the small band of travelers was going to contact her.

"Yuuko!" Mokona said happily, glad to see the woman's projected image from the crystal in the tiny creature's forehead.

Her smirk remained. "Yare yare… it seems you have gotten into trouble again, hmm?" {[( Oh dear... )]}

Fai nodded, "Then we can cut to the chase, Jigen no Majo-san." He spoke, no smile on his usually cheerful features. "I didn't want that sacrifice." {[( Dimensional Witch )]}

"Fai…" Mokona whispered, but the magician continued to watch the image of Yuuko.

"I was prepared to die there. The cost for saving me was too great."

Yuuko's smirk remained, "And what is your wish, Fai D. Flourite?" she asked, her eyes seeming to see into the depths of the young man's soul.

Fai stared back, his blue eye shinning. "I want Kurogane's arm to be restored."

"I can't do that." Yuuko replied, taking a long draw on her kiseru. She blew the smoke out, seeming to be thinking over the entire matter. "I can give him a replacement however. An artificial arm."

The magician was silent, obviously not happy with the Dimension Witch's inability to restore the ninja's arm completely.

"And the cost?" Fai eventually asked. "This is no small thing I ask. Is it?"

Yuuko's smirk turned to a smile. "You have little left to give, Fai-san." She spoke, drawing on her kiseru once again. "I have your staff… the seal from your back… what is there left to give?"

The magician's lips pressed together in a thin line of determination. Kurogane had cut off his own left arm for Fai's life, to bring the blond back with them from the destruction of Celes…

What could he give to ever repay that debt?

Nodding, Fai's blue gaze locked onto the image of Yuuko once more. "My magic."

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**つつく**

**Tsutsuku…  
{[( To be continued... )]}**

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**次回**

**Jikai…  
{[( Next time... )]}**

Kurogane wakes to the visage of Tomoyo-hime.

Fai continues to distance himself from everyone around him.

A hit on the head will be the least of Kurogane's problems…

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**TRANSLATIONS:**

_Story Title:_

- Chi to Namida to Mahoutsukai no Kokoro = Blood and Tears and the Heart of the Magician

_Chapter Title:_

- Shou issatsu: Negai to Asa-gohan = Chapter 1: Wishes and Breakfast

_Part I:_

- Tomoyo-hime = Princess Tomoyo ("hime" is Princess)

- Arigatou, ne… = Thanks…

- Honto ni? = Really?

- Honto ni. = Really.

- Yukata = A less formal version of a Kimono, worn by men and women for everyday use.

- Ohashi ka? = Chopsticks? ("O" added to beginning makes it more polite)

- Fai wa hashi ga tsukaenai! = Fai can't use chopsticks!

- Sumimasen = I'm sorry

- Iie = No

- Arigatou gozaimasu = Thank you

- Kono hashi wa Fai no mono desu. = These are Fai's chopsticks.

- Arigatou Mokona = Thanks Mokona

- Daikon = A Japanese radish

- Shiromanjuu = White Steambun (a nickname that Kurogane gave to the white Mokona)

- Kanashii? = Sad?

- Iie. Hara peko. = No. I'm starving.  
- Mokona mo peko peko! = Mokona is starving too!

_Part II:_

- Yare yare = Oh dear

- Jigen no Majo-san = Dimensional Witch-san

- Kiseru = A long Japanese tobacco pipe

_Ending:_

- Tsutsuku = To be continued…

- Jikai = Next time…

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**NOTES:**

- Once again, I don't expect all of my Japanese to be correct. So please, if something is off or wrong or should be said differently or a grammatical error or anything, please, feel free to let me know. That way, I can go back and fix what should be fixed.

- I have a horrible time with Casual Japanese Conversation so, if anyone can PLEASE help me in this department, I would be most grateful (or direct me to a site for it). Mokona's dialogue comes off as odd without Casual Form…

- This time I put the Story Title and the Chapter Title at the top in English and then, when I started the actual story, put the Story Title and Chapter Title in Japanese Kana and Romanji.

- Reviews are loved and appreciated! I'll reply to all reviews through the FF Dot Net reply system. I used to just type up replies at the end of the story, but I find this other way easier (and space saving).

- To those who were semi-annoyed with the Japanese in the story, gomen... that's just how I work and how I like to work. Japanese in here isn't going to change any time soon. It's the ONLY way I can practice what I know, or better my knowledge, aside from watching anime and listening to Japanese music. So... One thing you can do is open the story in two tabs and already have one of them scrolled down, then you just have to hit Ctrl+Tab to go to the next tab (or you can, of course, click with your mouse). I have been debating on putting translations at the ends of sentences, but in previous stories when I suggested this, I didn't get any positive or negative feedback on it. I don't do it that way when typing it, but I can easily go back and do it in the FF Dot Net Edit/Preview section. So, if you guys would rather the translations be at the end of sentences (I have done this before in my Lord of the Rings stories for Elvish that isn't commonly used) then let me know and I'll accommodate that way.

- As another side note, there is Japanese text in my anime stories. So having the ability (on your computer) to display Japanese font can be helpful.


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